Tomorrow I head over to some part of Maimonides for a pre test to make sure my heart and lungs can handle my surgical biopsy coming up on May 7.  Honestly, I try not to think of it.  My annual mammogram and sonogram were in early March, followed by a biopsy, followed by a consult, followed by an MRI, followed by a pretest and then the surgery.  Finally, there will be another consult to tell me the good or bad news.  Are you counting? This is 7 different occasions that I had to change my life for the convenience of the medical community.  In terms of income, I will have missed a total of 8 jobs to do this putting me out of $600 minimally, more likely it is closer to $800. But I should be grateful, right?  The radiologist told me, "Oh it's probably nothing; just want to check those same old calcifications we've been seeing on your mammo for the last 4 years".  Turns out I have an atypical lobular hyperplasia in one of the tissue samples.  The doctor says, "Good news; it's not cancer!"--but it is a precancerous condition, so hey let's do another biopsy!  Did I hear him say "radiation" too? In contrast, all the letters that come in the mail from the medical center are very foreboding--"Danger, danger, Will Robinson!"  I am almost always on my hands and knees scrubbing a toilet (seriously) when they call to give me more news.  Well, pray for me; I really don't want any more troubles...............

April Fool

It was April 1, 1988 when I moved into Brooklyn, NY from Utica, Michigan. I left work at the Otsikita Council of Girl Scouts in Michigan after 5pm and drove all night, arriving somewhere on the Triboro Bridge around 7 something in the morning. It was probably a mistake to drive into NYC after driving all night, because I had only been to New York once before and had never driven here. This was a time when cell phones did not exist and it wasn't as easy to find an ATM machine while you were on the road! Needless to say I was punchy, didn't have any money left in my pocket and was lost driving back and forth on the various roads that connected the boroughs to the bridge. Finally I got to the correct toll booth and was headed in the correct direction, but didn't have any money, was so frustrated I got out of the car and started pounding on it and yelling that I had no money and didn't know what to do. Yes, the nice toll booth person let me through without paying and I finally found my way to Ft Green Place in the section of Brooklyn they call Ft Greene. And, the rest, as they say, is history. Just another New York story.

BROOKLYN STATE OF MIND

Most people mean Manhattan when they speak of New York City, that 22.7 square mile strip of an island surrounded by the waters of the East, Hudson and Harlem Rivers and the North New York Bay. But when I speak of New York, I think Brooklyn, that borough across the East River connected to Manhattan by bridges, tunnels, subways and ferries.

In 1988 when we moved here, I wasn’t sure where Long Island was, didn’t know what a borough was and was surprised that New York City was (and is still) comprised of five boroughs! In simple terms a borough is an administrative district or municipality; and, every state can designate the administration and the term any way it likes. In New York City the five boroughs, New York (New York County), the Bronx (Bronx County), Queens (Queens County), Brooklyn (Kings County) and Staten Island (Richmond County) are coexistent with their counties. Long Island is a real island, in fact the longest and largest island in the contiguous United States, not a snooty city somewhere outside of Manhattan where all the rich go to vacation (although there are certainly parts of Long Island that are like that) or a place where only a certain population of people live (though again, that is true of parts of Long Island). But what really blew me away is that Brooklyn is on Long Island, along with Queens and Nassau and Suffolk Counties!

Brooklyn rates high as one of the most livable places in New York City; my own neighborhood, Prospect Heights , ranked number 9 in an April, 2010 article appearing in the New York Times Real Estate Section. Speaking of April, April 1, 2012 marks the end of my 24th year in Brooklyn and the beginning of my 25th year here. It’s been quite the adventure to be sure. Those first years were full of discovery; touring Brooklyn and Manhattan was my hobby. But after a time as I began to live here and I found the sections of the city that spoke to me, I forgot that initial enthusiasm for experiencing my New York. In these next months I’ll be sharing some of the history of Brooklyn as well as some of my history with Brooklyn and some of the sights and sounds of Brooklyn today. So join me as I rediscover my New York.

Lost and Found

When my little sister was in elementary school she told me there were two different kinds of trees--deciduous and coniferous. I was fascinated that here she was, twelve years younger than me, and she was telling me something I didn't know. In case you are unfamiliar with these terms, a conifer is an evergreen; it's a type of tree that grows year round and keeps it's needles. A deciduous tree, on the other hand,is a tree that blooms in the Spring, flowers in the summer, loses it's leaves in the fall and goes dormant in the winter. One of the camps I ran had a stand of conifers. The branches were high upon the trunk and pine needles lay all about the ground. It was cool inside this part of the forest. It was a great place to bring kids.

This memory was jogged one night a while back, in the support group I attend at CEW. One of our members presented a writing workshop. The first exercise was easy--write about a memory or experience of a tree. “Lost and Found” was the topic for the second exercise.

We were supposed to write about what we’ve lost and what we’ve found because of our illnesses. This was much more difficult. If the truth were known, I didn’t like having cancer. No doubt, this is something I share with others, but that is of little comfort to me. Usually, when I've gone through a crisis or a life altering experience I come out of it a better person or at least I have a renewed insight and caring about others. I can't say this is true of me with this experience.

It feels like I lost a year of my life. I was so busy being strong; and I was so busy resting so my body would stay strong. Having cancer did give me a purpose for a year--healing, staying strong; but, it was hard. I slept so much and I watched much t.v. and dvd's--too much! And, I worked. Remember that--I worked almost everyday. But, I had help. And support.

What I did find over and over again was the kindness of others; that was overwhelming to me, especially given my trust no one and take no prisoners point of view. At one point I thought my life was coming to an end because there were so many people supporting me in so many ways. Was this my karma at the end of my life?

Allot has happened over the course of this year and a half. After expending so much effort at healing and recovery and being so focused on cancer, and then afterwards, trying to pack everything into everyday that I possibly could, I've crashed.... as I was saying to my good friend the other day, I've been kind of lonely this winter. From August of 2007 until about September of 2008, I was almost always in the company of someone. And now I am walking in the garden of my soul alone. And, I am still a little tired from my illness; I haven't totally recovered yet. Now,I also have sisters and brothers in a secret club. But, you know, it's all good. It really is.

Discretion--the Better Part of Valor?

Because this is a forum for and about breast cancer and recovery, I try to stick with that topic. It is rare that I take any kind of personal or political stand and even rarer that I talk about my personal convictions beyond the superficial. Well, I actually only have a few personal convictions, anyway. One of my main convictions is peaceful co-existence. But, I digress.......

Not long ago, one of my nieces and I were talking and the subject of homosexuality and gayness came up. There is a girl on her sports team that seems to be very "gay" centric. This young woman seems to live, eat and breathe gay culture--to the point, I think, that it becomes uncomfortable for the listener. We all know someone who talks ad nauseam about something they are part of or believe in whether it be religion, politics, cars, race, sexual preference, their holistic lifestyle, etc, etc. We see them coming and we run the other way. But, again, I digress.......

Life is a journey, no matter who you are or what you believe. And, it seems to me, that even if you spend your life avoiding conflict and hiding from strife and struggle, as I do, it will find you. And, yet again, I digress....a bit. What is the point? The point is I am almost always cautious about revealing parts of myself for fear of being harmed by others. Even now I hesitate to come out with who I really am and what I really want to say.

Sometimes it is necessary to be cautious, however. At least that is what I've always thought. But, here I am beating around the bush again, because I learned years ago not to write things down if you didn't want others to hold it against you. And, people throughout history have harmed one another. Life's tough. I just don't want to be hurt.

I admire people who just come right out with who they are. Every movement needs it's heroes and martyrs for the cause. I also admire people who are polite and have good manners. I like living in the United States. Even though there is prejudice and racism and anger, fear and hate, there is also freedom and hope and endless possibility. For the most part I am free to come and go as I am, even if I choose to be cautiously optimistic and discreet. And, of course, there are many good, open and kind people here, as I clearly learned during my cancer treatment.

And, I am cautiously optimistic about Mr. Obama too. As Henry Ford said, if you think you can, you will...................

Free Food--the beauty of receiving.......

In joking with my friends, I tell them I like to go to various events and meetings and even parties because of the free food. And, I do love the free food...but, this isn't really the whole story. One of the perks of being a cancer survivor is the many organizations that offer services and support, as well as the free food. And I am fortunate enough to have found very good support throughout the course of my cancer treatment both pre and post care. So, the support group that I attend through the CEW was having it's annual holiday luncheon and we were invited. You know, for some reason, I didn't understand the entire scope of the organization until the luncheon, so when I walked into the Waldorf Astoria, I was blown away. Yes, I said the Waldorf Astoria!

The CEW Foundation 2008 Beauty of Giving Luncheon - benefits it's program Cancer and Careers . They support employees with cancer and the people who support them-companies, coworkers, caregivers. They do this through community outreach programming, the Elizabeth Jerrett support group for cancer survivors and interactive online career coaching for employees with cancer. CEW also funds their Managing Through Cancer Pioneers program which helps employers face the challenge of cancer in the work place. This year's major sponsor was Self magazine; the event honored the Estee Lauder companies. There were of course many other sponsors too numerous to mention on this blog, but if you click on the link to the luncheon you will see them all mentioned.

There were well over sixty tables seating ten people each. It was beautifully decorated. Everyone looked great. The speeches were short and to the point, yet very well done. Get away vacations seemed to be the theme for the live auction, which was a hoot to watch in action. Finally, the video promoting the organization--on huge screens in the four corners of the room. http://www.rawdigital.tv/downloads/cew/cew12508.mov. And now we are all stars! Much more important than the free food, don't you think!

The C Word 5

On Thursday November 20, 2008, I had the good fortune to attend The C Word 5, an annual event at the Center sponsored by the Lesbian Cancer Initiative, sub titled "Coming together Around Cancer". This was the second time I went to this event. This forum is a great opportunity to come together for the purpose of community building and networking.

There was a lovely buffet dinner for us complete with hor d'oeuvres, sandwiches, dessert and beverages with an opportunity to socialize. During the socializing and networking part of the program I was able to visit some of the organizations who provided a table. Besides the Center CARE group and the Lesbian Cancer Initiative, The Cancer Advocacy Project of the City Bar Justice Center, The Creative Center, Creative Healing Plus, God's Love we Deliver, the Research-recruitment and minority outreach project of the Herbert Irving Comprehensive Cancer Center, The St. Vincent's Comprehensive Cancer Center, You Can Thrive!/Flatiron Acupuncture and Team Survivor were represented. I got a hat, a key chain, a bag, an umbrella, some pens, some buttons and ribbons, as well as alot of literature about these groups.

Jenny Saldana, a Dominican writer, actor, producer, speaker and breast cancer survivor read from her short stories about breast cancer. Her stories were touching and moving and sometimes funny.

And then, we saw a movie called "A Horse is not a Metaphor", an autobiographical avante garde film about ovarian cancer by feminist filmmaker Barbara Hammer. It was brilliant. The music was composed by Merideth Monk. It will be shown in New York in February at MOMA. This film was very moving for me.

The keynote Speaker was Dr. Jenny Romero an oncologist from the Ralph Lauren Center for Cancer Care and Prevention. She spoke about cancer and what we now know about prevention. She seemed to link many cancers to smoking and drinking. She also answered questions and it was quite interesting.

And what was the cost of this evening of socializing, networking, gathering information, eating and being entertained? Nothing. It was absolutely free to lesbians, bi-sexual women and transgendered people and those who love and care for us. I felt very cared for.